


Come Back To Me

by HPandWforever



Series: Emma and Kristy's Birthday Fic Exchange [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, AU: Potters don't die, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Marauders' Era, Minor Character Death, it happens before the fic starts and they're very dead in the canon too, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 07:41:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9374873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPandWforever/pseuds/HPandWforever
Summary: What is he doing here?There had been a time when he didn’t question Sirius seeking him out like this, when they had planned a whole lot more besides. Hours spent discussing, and sometimes arguing about, all the boring minutiae that would make up their lives together.I guess some things changed after all.----Then why do you keep coming back?And that, that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter how many times Sirius told himself that he wasn’t going to do it again, that this time had been the last time, he still kept coming back. He still kept aching to see Remus.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iamsiriusblackserious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamsiriusblackserious/gifts).



> This fic was written for the amazing iamsiriusblackserious and it is a whopping 3000 words long. (That's a big deal for me lately.) It's less late than it was last year, though it is still very much not on time. She asked for something based on the feelings I got while listening to Troye Sivan's 'Talk Me Down'. I'm sorry it turned out a bit more angsty than you normally go for, but that's what that song makes me feel.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy!

Remus looked down at the sleeping form next to him. He’d been stunned to find Sirius on the other side of his front door when he’d opened it earlier that evening. He hadn’t seen Sirius in weeks, not since the last Order meeting he’d been able to attend. 

_ It was the beginning of September, and the radiant sun outside seemed to have an affect on everyone inside the cramped little cottage on the cliffs overlooking the sea. After two solid months undercover with the werewolves Remus was glad to see some familiar faces again. James and Sirius were laughing at some joke Marlene was telling, Lily was playing with baby Harry in a corner while Peter nervously looked on. He’d been getting more and more twitchy as of late, but, Remus supposed, a lot of people were. _

_ The meeting seemed to be going well, but then, Remus didn’t have a lot of recent ones to compare it to. There hadn’t been any mention of missions gone wrong, or people gone missing yet, at least. Remus didn’t stay long afterwards. Long enough to have a quick chat with James and Lily, who were holding up well with all the constant moving around. Sirius seemed to be avoiding him, but that wasn’t entirely unusual lately. Maybe he’d try contacting him later in the week. As he was leaving he heard the Prewett twins complaining about a similar housing situation, though they sounded hopeful about some place they’d found.  _

_ Not that it mattered much, two weeks later they were dead. _

And after all those weeks of silence, suddenly there he was. Standing outside Remus’ door with that same defiant look on his face. Not that it made a difference to Remus. He’d stepped aside and welcomed Sirius in with a sweep of his arm, just as if he couldn’t see the doubt in Sirius’ eyes.

_ What is he doing here? _

There had been a time when he didn’t question Sirius seeking him out like this, when they had planned a whole lot more besides. Hours spent discussing, and sometimes arguing about, where they would live (a small cottage lost somewhere in a wild countryside), who would do what around the house (Sirius would do the cooking because everyone remembers Remus’ Potions skills, Remus would do the cleaning because Sirius doesn’t have the patience for it), all the boring minutiae that would make up their lives together. And whenever Remus brought up his lycanthropy, Sirius would brush it aside like it was nothing. He’d say something sweet like ‘ _ I’ve been helping you cope with your furry little problem for years, why would that change?’ _ , or if it had been brought up too often recently he’d get fed up and tell Remus to ‘ _ stop being such a prat, Moony’ _ .

_ I guess some things changed after all. _

Not that Remus could blame him. Dumbledore had asked him to go undercover with the werewolf groups still undecided whether to follow Voldemort or not, and spending full moons together was an essential part of gaining their trust. He was often away for weeks, sometimes even months, at a time. And for the past few months there seemed to be a shadow behind Sirius’ eyes whenever he looked at Remus. Something dark and suspicious, but then he would blink and it would be replaced by something that seemed somehow both guilty and shameless at the same time. As if he was daring Remus to call him on it, and end this thing between them once and for all. They both knew Remus never would. He was too much of a coward for it, too desperate for any sliver of affection Sirius would deign to throw his way.

He didn’t deserve to claim Sirius’ time on those short occasions that he did manage to get home. Sirius had other, more important, things to do than spend time with a werewolf. Just because they had shared a dormitory for seven years, celebrated Christmases and birthdays together, even lived together for a short year afterwards and made all those great plans, none of those things meant he should still be a part of Sirius’ life. People grew apart, Remus knew that. He’d been expecting it since the day they all graduated. Since long before that, if he was honest with himself.

With a final look and a long sigh, Remus laid himself down and closed his eyes.  _ Maybe he’ll feel like talking for once tomorrow. _ Sleep was a still long time coming though.

 

* * *

 

 

Breakfast the next morning was awkward, to say the least. Sirius knew he should’ve just snuck out, but he’d gotten lost in thought and then Moony had been awake.  _ No, not Moony. Remus. If he’s going to betray his friends the way he is, he doesn’t deserve to be called that anymore. _

Why did he have to do it? What could they have offered him that he would betray his friends like that, as if they’d never meant anything to him in the first place? Sirius knew it was pointless to speculate, he’d wasted too many hours on it already, but he kept coming back to it. He just didn’t understand how it could have gone so horribly wrong. Surely it would take a complete personality change to go from the Moony he’d grown up with to- to this- this  _ thing _ that could look him in the eye and pretend that nothing was wrong. He could barely stand it.

_ Then why do you keep coming back? _

And that, that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter how many times Sirius told himself that he wasn’t going to do it again, that this time had been the last time, he still kept coming back. Like he didn’t care that people had been put in danger, that Fabian and Gideon  _ were dead _ , he still kept aching to see Remus.

Because every time he came around, it seemed like all of that just disappeared. No matter how hard he looked, or how hurt Remus seemed to get when he spotted the suspicion in Sirius’ eyes, whenever he was actually around him, Sirius couldn’t find any indication in his behaviour that anything had changed. Remus was still the same person he remembered sharing all those years with. He was still the same Moony that left his shoes in a mess by the door, the same Moony that put his jumper on back-to-front sometimes because he’d gotten distracted, still the same Moony - Sirius glared at his plate - still the same fucking Moony that cooked a proper breakfast when Sirius came over even though he preferred to just have a quick bowl of cereal.

_ None of this makes any fucking sense! _

‘So, where’ve you been staying lately?’

Something in Sirius snapped. Remus had been half-heartedly trying to make conversation all morning, but Sirius wasn’t in the mood. Yet this seemingly-innocent question roused him from his thoughts in a way neither of them was expecting.

‘Why d’you want to know?’ Sirius said, and he couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his words.

Remus looked taken aback for a moment before he responded, though Sirius couldn’t tell if it was his tone or the fact that it wasn’t a monosyllabic response that was the surprise. ‘Well, the last time we spoke you mentioned that you might need to move soon. It’s just a question, Sirius, I didn’t mean anything by it.’

Sirius scoffed, ‘Sure you didn’t.’

‘And what is that supposed to mean?’ 

Sirius thought he might’ve been nervous about almost having his secret exposed, but all Remus sounded like was tired. Suddenly, Sirius didn’t feel like having this conversation anymore. 

‘Nothing, never mind,’ he spat.

‘Sirius,’ Remus sighed, ‘I have been trying all morning to get you to talk to me, and now that you’ve finally moved past  _ grunting at me _ , you’re not going to tell me what’s going on? You’ve been avoiding me for months, so I presume there must be something that I’ve done, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is. Now, if you-’

‘You don’t- YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE?! MERLIN’S TITS REMUS WHAT HAVEN’T YOU FUCKING DONE?’ Sirius wasn’t sure when he’d stood up from his chair and started pacing, but he guessed it was somewhere around the time he started shouting. ‘Isn’t it enough that James and Lily have to keep moving to another part of the country every two weeks, terrified that they won’t be able to make it to the next? Isn’t it enough that people are disappearing? That they’re dying? That those people are your friends? Marlene, Benjy, Dorcas. Fabian and Gideon. How can you sit there and tell me you don’t know what you’ve done?!’

When Sirius spun to face Remus again his first thought was  _ when did he become such a good actor? _ There was shock and horror written across his face, tears in his eyes, and when he spoke his voice was shaking. 

‘S-Sirius, I don’t- I don’t understand. How do those things, those  _ awful  _ things, have to do with me?’

‘STOP LYING TO ME! I KNOW IT WAS YOU!’ Now Sirius was starting to cry as well, but he neither noticed nor cared. ‘I know those werewolves you went undercover with turned you to their side! That you’re the one who’s been spying on the Order! That it’s your fault they’re dead!’

For a moment, complete silence rang throughout the small apartment.

‘How dare you?! How dare you stand there and accuse me of murdering my friends without a shred of evidence?!’ And now Remus was shouting too. ‘You were there, Sirius! You were there when I found out about Benjy! You were the one who fucking told me about Dorcas! And you were the one who stayed up with me all night to grieve for them and a dozen others besides! You were there for all of it! So don’t you dare say that to me when anyone else is just as much to blame! I’ve been  _ risking my life _ , day in, day out, for the last two years so that I can gather information for the Order-’

‘I don’t think it counts as risking your life when you’re on their side!’

‘How many times do I have to tell you? I am not on their side!’

‘THEN WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DYING AFTER YOU COME TO A MEETING?! Things were going better this summer, we hadn’t had a failed mission in weeks! And then you show up, and the next thing we know, Gideon and Fabian are dead! In a house they never even told anyone about until that day!’

A look of blank shock crossed Remus’ face at those words, all the anger seemed to have gone out of him. He raised his hands in the air in a defensive motion and it only dawned on Sirius then that he had drawn his wand. He lowered it slightly, but kept it ready as Remus continued slowly.

‘Sirius- Sirius, listen to me. It wasn’t me, I promise. I had already left the meeting by then. The last thing I heard was them complaining about the house they’d been living in up until then. I even sent you an owl because we hadn’t had a chance to talk, remember? I swear to you on my life, Sirius, it wasn’t me. Padfoot, please.’

Sirius believed him. Merlin forgive him if he got this wrong, but he did. The best actor in the world couldn’t have faked the emotion in those eyes. He lowered his wand. Dropped it to the floor completely as the shock took over.

‘It wasn’t you? It- it really wasn’t you?’ Sirius turned away from Remus, from  _ Moony _ . His hands were pulling at his hair, his legs felt as if they were about to drop out from under him. And in an instant there he was, his Moony, making sure he wouldn’t fall. Moony, who he had hated and mistrusted and  _ hurt _ for all those months, who seemed to have forgiven him without even considering the other options. Just like he’d always done before.

‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Moony, I’m so sorry. I’m so-’ Sirius’ voice broke on the words. The next thing he knew they were sitting in a tangled mess on the floor of Remus’ tiny kitchen as Sirius cried apologies into Remus’ shoulder. Words that would never be enough to make up for what he’d done, no matter how many times Remus brushed his hand over Sirius’ hair, or kissed the top of his head, or whispered ‘It’s okay’ or ‘I forgive you’. After a while even the words stopped coming, all Sirius could do was sob.

 

* * *

 

Later, when they’d cried themselves out and calmed down, Remus made a large pot of tea and dragged it and Sirius over to the sofa in the living room. And then he asked, ‘Why, though? Why would you think it was me?’ He hesitated slightly, ‘Was it just because of the werewolf thing?’

A fresh wave of guilt crashed over Sirius’ face. ‘No. Yes. I don’t know, I was just so confused. You were barely around anymore, and it made me angry, and then Peter kept saying all these things about how conveniently everything was timed around you showing up. I just, it made sense at the time, but Moony I am so sorry-

Remus cut him off before he set both of them off again. ‘Sirius, I forgive you. I understand what it must have looked like.’ As he turned to refill his cup another thought occurred to him. ‘What was that you said about Peter?’

‘What? Oh, that he was the one who-’ Horror dawned in Sirius’ eyes and Remus could feel dread starting to pool in his own stomach. ‘He was the one who pointed it out to me. He was the one who kept insisting it had to be you, even when I wouldn’t believe him, after I threatened him. Moony, you don’t think- you don’t think it was actually him?’

‘I think we have to consider that it’s very likely. But, Sirius wait!’ Remus said as Sirius suddenly sprang up and started grabbing his shoes. ‘Sirius, wait, we need to think about this. We can’t just go running after him.’

But Sirius wouldn’t be distracted. ‘No, Remus you don’t understand. You don’t- We switched! I thought it was you and we switched!’

It was clear that Sirius was desperate for Remus to get what he was trying to say, that it was life or death, but it was like trying to figure out a jigsaw puzzle when all you have are corner pieces. ‘Sirius, please, tell me what’s going on.’

‘The Fidelius Charm! So James and Lily wouldn’t have to move around anymore, so they’d be safe to go back home! We switched, Remus. I convinced James that it would be better if Peter was the Secret Keeper, that he would be the least obvious choice. Remus, we need to go.’

And just like that, the puzzle pieces suddenly clicked together to form a terrifying picture. Remus started scrambling around for his own shoes.

 

* * *

 

James and Lily were surprised when the two of them burst into the cottage at Godric’s Hollow in the middle of their lunch, but neither Remus nor Sirius cared. They were there, they were safe, they were  _ alive. _

They also didn’t hesitate to believe them when Remus explained what was happening as Sirius frantically started throwing things into bags. After he was done, they sent a Patronus to Dumbledore and Apparated to an Order safe house. Poor little Harry still wasn’t used to the sensation.

Sirius wanted to be part of the mission to capture Wormtail, Remus didn’t. He didn’t want to be there when his friend, his brother in all but blood, confessed to murdering their friends and who knew how many countless innocents.

‘You come back, you understand?’ he said to Sirius before the mission got underway. ‘I don’t care what happens to him. If he dies, he’s gone forever, and if he lives the Dementors can have him. I don’t care. But don’t you dare let anything happen to you, okay? I can’t lose you, not again.’

Sirius did come back to him, alive and in one piece, though it took him weeks to open up about what exactly had happened and he had nightmares for many more.

They didn’t save the world, and they couldn’t bring back those whom they had already lost. Bellatrix and her husband still went after the Longbottoms, though for a different reason this time, and baby Neville still grew up practically an orphan. Little Ron still grew up the sixth son, but after Molly and Arthur joined the Order to help bring her brothers’ killers to justice, he had a little Harry and a little Neville to play with as well. The war dragged on for another 7 long years before Dumbledore figured out the secret of the Horcruxes and destroyed them all. 

It wasn’t perfect. Some days it was barely even manageable. But they survived. They survived to celebrate birthdays and Christmases and a baby brother and sister for Harry. They survived to move into that little cottage hidden deep on a long-forgotten moor. They survived to argue over what they would have for dinner, and who would do the washing up. They survived to make up. 

One day Sirius found an old quote from an ancient general somewhere and decided to make it into their new motto. And though it almost gave Remus heart attacks whenever he took it a bit too literally, he had to admit it fit them rather well.

 

_ Almost dead yesterday, maybe dead tomorrow, but alive, gloriously alive today. _

**Author's Note:**

> The last line is a quote I shamelessly stole from Robert Jordan's 'Wheel of Time' series. If you're into epic fantasy, you should definitely go check it out.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, leave a comment on the way out! :)


End file.
